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In about 8 weeks, I went from 255 to 199. WOW! I thought there would be chariots coming from the sky and trumpets. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am elated, but I am still fat. Anyone else would be jumping for joy about this great milestone, but I really started looking at how far I have to go–at least that’s what my heart says.

My head says dammit, I have come a LONG way. I survived MAJOR surgery and all of my faculties are intact. I am alive and everything is kosher. It’s the battle of the mind that I have to conquer. I’d love to be able to get to 138, that drivers license number. Now that I am ONE-something, it seems so much more obtainable.  That would mean only 61 more lbs.  I lost 55 in 2 months. I will probably be at goal in a few more months.  Head, talk to my heart.  Tell her that we are gonna be ALLLLRIGHT!

I am not gonna mess this up. I am not gonna fail.  So many times I have had these numbers in my head with rewards all along the way, and never really got “there”.  I am almost there.

When I started gaining weight, immediately when I sat down on a couch, I would get a throw pillow and drape it across my lap not for comfort’s sake, but to hide.

One day, a friend of my mother’s who was in her 70’s pulled me to the side and whispered in my ear….I see that you’re hiding. You don’t have to…you’re beautiful. She told me the story of how she began to hide when she was a teenager and began to have weight problems.

That simple gesture of popping a pillow in front of me will stop.

I am so trying to get control of my food portions. I even went out to buy those cute little portion controlled lunch containers. I am cool when it comes to lunch, but it’s dinner that gets me. Pasta is my weakness. I can eat so much of it and I feel sick to my stomach. As a matter of fact, I felt nauseous today at work, and felt like I was gonna toss my cookies even before I had the swirly spaghetti goodness…

I filled a plate with salad and ate that before I touched my pasta. I still ended up getting 2 bowls full, but I think that is so much better than before.

We are gonna limit ourselves to pasta once a month at home. It’s a binge trigger food for me.

I always do this to myself….I am at 5.9 lbs lost since Jan 19th and you’d think since I am trying to get to 13 lbs lost (-5%) I would continue on my trek until I got there right? Not so much….I end up slacking and being less rigid after the first few lbs. With so far to go, I can’t afford to stop now.

I am going out to dinner with the hubs for V-Day tonite and I am going to make wise choices and eat less than I normally do.

I am still in this game….still ready to lose weight. I just need a swift kick in the pants.

I am a gabber. When I see a new product or use something that works, I tell everyone. Even when I am trying to lose weight, I make a point to tell everyone about what I’m doing whether they need to lose weight or not. The danger in that for me, particularly when doing weight watchers is that people watch what I eat like a hawk. They have no idea that I’m using my activity points or that I am using my banked points for a meal. This gets on my nerves.

For this last attempt at health and fitness, I have only told my walking partner and my husband. I tried to run the steps with my boss, and she told everyone that we did it….now everyone is coming to me asking if I am trying to lose weight. Nosey roseys! lol

I am going to do it this time and shock the heck out of myself and everyone else 🙂

My FAVORITE fast food is taco bell..

I would normally get a big beef burrito supreme with no beans or sauce with a side taco supreme. I chose not to today.

I got a 9 point Chicken Strips Salad from Chick fil A

Here’s what happened:

It took an hour for me to eat. I savored every bit of it as it nourished my body.

I had a side medium fruit cup. I normally would have waffle fries.

I am trying not to drink soda, so I chose a Coke Zero. It was just as satisfying as a regular coke, if not more.

I did not experience the side effects of all the cheese and sour cream from Taco Bell. It would be Taco Hell for my lactose intolerance.

I was full and satisfied and stayed well within my points.

I had a very wonderful conversation with a woman today who helped me to face some very painful memories. I would have chosen to eat to stuff down the issues….I chose not to.

Thank God just for today.

In all fairness, I did come home and have pizza hut (it was planned) and counted my points.

I am on my way.

I have this ongoing contest in my head about how many lbs I can lose before the next big event. People will certainly like me more if I’d lost weight since the last time I saw them right?

If I show up at a friend’s wedding 60 lbs lighter, I’d be able to enjoy myself and dance the night away, right?. I would not be so self conscious about what my head thinks people are saying about me.

If I wanted to take pictures at the family reunion, maybe I’d be more comfortable if I were on the other side of the pictures, smiling in front of the camera instead of hiding behind it.

Have you seen the woman who can enjoy herself with her loved ones no matter what her weight is? I sure would like to find her again. This woman in front of me hides in the shadows, having meaningful, yet inauthentic conversations with people as to not be in the spotlight. Where’s the woman who doesn’t care about what people think?

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