I have this ongoing contest in my head about how many lbs I can lose before the next big event. People will certainly like me more if I’d lost weight since the last time I saw them right?

If I show up at a friend’s wedding 60 lbs lighter, I’d be able to enjoy myself and dance the night away, right?. I would not be so self conscious about what my head thinks people are saying about me.

If I wanted to take pictures at the family reunion, maybe I’d be more comfortable if I were on the other side of the pictures, smiling in front of the camera instead of hiding behind it.

Have you seen the woman who can enjoy herself with her loved ones no matter what her weight is? I sure would like to find her again. This woman in front of me hides in the shadows, having meaningful, yet inauthentic conversations with people as to not be in the spotlight. Where’s the woman who doesn’t care about what people think?


There is this ravaging beast that is inside me…. no, it’s not my alter ego, it’s my propensity towards the big binge. I find that the more healthy I eat, the more I try to justify this future horrible binge that looms in the back of my head.

It’s weird…it’s like I feel like I deserve this big binge because I feel deprived when trying to lose weight.

Everything I’ve been eating has been good for me. I am lactose intolerant, so the creamy cheesy stuff that used to tear up my stomach doesn’t bother me anymore…I just choose not to eat it.
The over-stuffed, full feeling that comes from bingeing only makes me feel bad. It sabotages my work that I’ve done since the beginning of the year, and it takes me further away from my goal.

I don’t have the self control now to be able to resist and be more free with some of my food choices. I know that with WW, I can seriously eat anything I want within my points, but I don’t want to eat a day’s points worth of pizza and then be hungry just a few hours later….(mind you, I;d be so miserable if I did) 🙂

I guess what I’m saying is I don’t have to be that person who looks at food like it owes me….You owe me for eating well. You owe me for sticking to it. My reward is not a piece of cake. My reward is good health and I choose it today.

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When losing weight, I am the first person to find the loophole. If there is a way to cheat, I’ll do it. If I can find a way to get out of being 100% committed, I will make certain to do that. Over time, this has definitely proven to be to my detriment.  I have more and more become less credible in my own eyes. God help me.  if you can’t trust yourself, who can you trust?

If there were someone who told you they were going to do something over and over again and never delivered, you would not expect that person to come through on their word right? That’s me…except I do it in the area of my weight. No more.

Not this time. I think having so many ways to be successful on Weight Watchers is going to help me. I can eat my activity points. I can use my extra 35 points. I can eat less points during the day so that I can have something I want at night….

What I’m saying is…if I’m honest, I can reach my goals.
This week, I will continue to count everything. Last week, I ate out at a chain restaurant, and I ate what I wanted.  It felt good. I even had ice cream (ww 2 point bars) but it was good.

I am going to fill myself with more fruits and veggies and learn to trust me. I am going to stop lying to myself and not lie about what I’ve eaten to myself or to this blog.  I will be successful, and it starts with me.

Listen here PB folks,

I like a good PBJ as much as the next girl, and I know you all have been having some “issues” in the salmonella dept lately, but I will be a PB girl until I die. I am really trying to get down to my DL Weight. Can you help me?

As much as peanut butter is a “good fat” and does not have trans fat, the new little cute to go packs are great in their packaging and convenience, but horrible in its portion size. 390 calories and 32 grams of fat in ONE container?

Are there plans to make the portion smaller? Dipping healthy foods like celery and apples are all well and good, but dipping it into 32 grams of fat as a SNACK doesn’t sit well with me as a long time PB eater.

Warmly with a little bit of Jelly.

DL Weight

Well it is a rather large chest (read: nice rack), but that’s not the concern. I know that when a person embarks on a weight loss journey, there are issues that one has to address.

If you bite your nails when you’re nervous, you end up with nasty nails and a possible infection if you’re not careful.

Get sad because your man left you? You want a few martinis? Go ahead, is it really gonna push you over the edge? Nah.

But if a fat person who just is yanno, being fat happens to eat a burger, the world is over and life as we know it halts while the big one noshes on their trough of food.

That’s what I feel like as an overweight person. Let me take you back to summer a few years back. We as a family went on an excursion, dare I say a road trip. (excuse the ever-present, yet slightly corny car reference again) Stay with me…

I wanted to go on a ride at an amusement park with a Lilliput member of my family. It was the little thing made for wee 0nes. Not to exclude this little person from delight, I took it upon myself to accompany this toddler on the ride. Wrong move. You remember these things?


Well, I knew that it would be a tight squeeze and I knew that even the little toddler would be counting the minutes until they would be able to breathe, but hey, it was only for a few twirls around the bend. All in the name of fun right? I mean, the operator would not have let me on if I exceeded the weight restriction right?

Well, that little trip cost me a lot of dignity. I was the butt (literally) of snickering and giggling as people pointed at me as we went around and around listening to the beep beep of the cars and the trucks and the planes. Beep beep, Get out of my way fat lady. You don’t deserve to be having fun. You are taking up too much space. You’re not supposed to be here. Get off that ride.

I smiled and let the sun dry up my tears as I stared right in the face of my gawkers. They would not avert their eyes and the tears fell. Soak up my tears, please, Mr. Sun. Don’t let them see that I even notice that they are making fun of me. Must have a good time for the kiddo right?

As time goes on in this blog. I want to release some of the thoughts that are in my head about my body image. I want to hold my head up and remember that I am unique, special and have something to offer the world. I am more than just a number on the scale. Going back to this day makes me forget sometimes. I am leaving it here.

This is not my first road trip and I certainly think I know where I’m going, but to tell you the truth, I’m scared. I have all the maps, gps systems and emergency kits all set, but in the back of my mind, I feel like I’m going to break down. I did not get to almost 300 pounds over night and I used to judge the people who “let themselves” get that way.

Last year, I was able to use a medically supervised diet to lose almost 40 pounds. It was a liquid diet that was not sustainable. I lived the cliche, as soon as I stopped drinking the liquids, I gained all the weight back and then some.

To tell you the truth, I’m tired. I’m tired of so many different things, but right now, I am sick of myself. I want someone else to take the wheel.  I can’t it do it alone any more.  I look older than the age on my license and I’m definitely heavier than the weight that’s printed on there. I want to change and for the better, the permanent, even.

I am starting this blog to push myself into health. Otherwise, I’ll force myself into an early grave. I don’t want that. I am an otherwise happy driver along this road of life; I just wanna stop lying about my weight. I can’t hide anymore.

I will use weight watchers to guide me along the dangerous curves that are sure to come.